The first three months have come and gone. Ethan is the absolutely perfect baby. So much so, that we are still waking up two or three times a night, eating every three hours, and pooping as if the world depended on it. Yes, this all may sound as big time, overly bitter, sarcasm. However, it is not.

The number one thing that motherhood as taught me these first three months, is to expect the unexpected. As in, you will hear of babies your child’s age already sleeping through the night, taking days to poop, teething, etc. Well, not my kid! and for some reason, that is ok!

So, in honor of the unexpected, here is a list of things that you should NEVER tell a first time mom, mainly because they are probably WRONG, and very likely to make her incredibly stabby:

1. “Sleep now, because when the baby comes, you won’t”
This is the biggest lie of all. No matter how much you sleep before your child is born, you still won’t once he is here. Its called survival. You will be up because either your boobs will hurt, your baby will make a sound in his sleep, or (like most moms) you will be absolutely paranoid after hearing one hundred horror stories about children dying in their sleep, or rolling over to their belly, etc. So no, even if you sleep for a month straight (and you won’t, because anyone who has been pregnant knows that sleeping in the third trimester is impossible) you still won’t be ready for what is coming your way.

2. “It gets much easier after three months”
For the record, it does not. Yes, it gets more entertaining and they get cuter (those gummy smiles are to die for!), but it doesn’t get easier. Chances are you have my luck and your kid is still not sleeping through the night. So, enjoy those middle of the night baby cuddles, they make it all worth it.

3. “Don’t give them a pacifier, it will cause nipple confusion”
Do yourself a favor, and give the kid the pacifier. They suck for comfort (oh, the irony…), so unless you want your nipple to fall off, or you are ready to never sleep again, go ahead and don’t give them one. Or, you can do what I did and ignore that kind of advice. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

4. “Stop picking him up all the time, you will spoil him”
No, you won’t. Unless your kid can walk already, not picking them up would make functioning highly difficult. And no, you cannot spoil a newborn.

5. “I used to do (enter stupid outdated practice here) all the time and you turned out fine”
Its called research. It evolves through time and proves that, clearly, luck was on our side when we survived after our parents smoked and drank during pregnancy and let us sleep completely unattended on your stomach with those overly priced fluffy bumpers. (Fine, I’m ok with belly sleeping, but you get my point.)

6. “I had children, I know what I am doing.”
One of my biggest pet peeves! It’s hard enough for a mom to leave their new bundle of joy with someone else, so whenever someone tells me that it makes me want to smack them. Yes you have children, but you didn’t have my child, so unless you live in my brain and know what I want, please take the time to listen to what I want.

7. “You don’t want to be that mom who calls the pediatrician about everything”
Yes, you do.

8. “Sleep when the baby sleeps”
No, shower when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby sleeps, clean when the baby sleeps, knit when the baby sleeps… I don’t care what you do, but one thing is certain, when the baby sleeps, you do anything in your power to feel human again.

9. “Breastfeeding will help you lose the weight so fast!”
Sigh… I was really counting on this one to be true. But what they don’t tell you is that breastfeeding makes you hungry, and you end up snacking on whatever you can get your hands on.

10. “Give him formula at night so he sleeps better!”
Now, let me preface by saying that I have absolutely nothing against formula, and that I am one of those people that believes that feeding your baby is the right thing, no matter how you do it (doh!). But, with that said, If you are exclusively breast feeding, there is nothing more annoying than having people tell you to give your child formula just so they sleep longer, mainly because IT IS NOT TRUE. Again, sleeping is a crapshoot, either you get a good sleeper, or you don’t.

So, what say you readers, any other lessons that you would like to share?

Until next time!